A Very Doctored Christmas
by DaydreamerNightwriter
Summary: The Doctor has a crash in time and space, and almost ruins Christmas Eve 1837. Can he and the TARDIS save the night?
1. Prologue

Ok, so I was chatting with xjuicylucyx and we came to the conclusion that the Doctor needs a nice Christmas, a traditional white Christmas with no scary monsters and no threat to humankind. As it is obvious from the Children in Need clip that this is not going to happen, the Cybermen and all that, I thought I would write the tenth Doctor the kind of Christmas that he deserves.

I have two ideas for this. Firstly that I post the prologue now and make you all wait for the next bit, which will of course come on the 1st December as a mini advent calendar with the next chapter appearing each day. The other is to just upload it as I write it. It's up to all you lovely people! Read and review guys, read and review!

Just the usual disclaimer and then I'll get on with it… I own none of this, the Doctor and the TARDIS are the Beeb's and RTD, and the others… I'm not really sure about, probably myths, legends, folklore and history.

I'm sure you can do the music yourselves. Enjoy xx

**Prologue**

The TARDIS was whirring away happily to itself and the Doctor thought he should be safe to take a step back for a moment, just sit down in the console chairs and ponder. It occurred to him that he had been doing this with ever increasing frequency in recent times, it had been very lonely in the TARDIS. It had been several weeks, months maybe, it was hard to tell, since he, well, since Donna had saved humanity from the Daleks and Davros. Although it had been extremely crowded then, with no space for any privacy. But now they were all gone, back to where they needed to be and he was alone again. Very crowded indeed he thought, there had been eight of them, nine including him, like the _Fellowship of the_ _Ring_, Martha and Donna, Sarah Jane and Jack, Jackie and Mickey, his clone and… Rose… Rose… his attention wavered for a second as her image flashed across his vision, and he failed to spot the flashing diode on the control panel. There was a slight shudder, followed by a loud resounding crash, another shudder and finally a cry of 'Ho Ho Ho!'. Jolted from his reverie the Doctor sprang from his seat.

"What?" he looked at the control panel and saw the flashing light. An 'oh' formed on his lips and then he stared up at the hole in the roof of the TARDIS.

"What?!" he repeated as he spied a black sack with the wrapped corner of a present poking out, tinsel scattered around it.

"WHAT!?!" He exclaimed as he spotted the red hat with the white bobble on top…


	2. The Grinch

**Authors Note: Here in not-so-sunny Wales it's now December, so thought I'd post the first chapter. Don't own any of it, it all belongs to the British Broadcasting Corporation otherwise known as the BEEB. Enjoy... next chapter will be up on the 3rd. C x****The Grinch**

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Still trying to puzzle out exactly what he should do he walked closer to the hole to peer up through it. He scratched his head, pulling a face at the amount of damage before calling up through the hole.

"Er, hello? Anyone up there? We um, seem to have collided. Well um, that is to say my er, TARDIS seems to have hit your…"

"Sleigh, yes. It would appear so." A posh voice called back before a head popped into view, a head with ruddy cheeks, framed by flowing white hair and beard.

"And you would be…" he said, cringing as the man answered.

"Father Christmas."

"Which would make this…"

"Christmas Eve."

"Ah, right. That's, well that's just…" he scrubbed his hair a little more.

"Yes, my sentiments exactly. Do you think you could land this contraption…"

"TARDIS" the Doctor interrupted distractedly.

"Do you think you could land this contraption safely?" Father Christmas said pointedly, "my reindeer are in rather a precarious position. London will do nicely."

"Yes, right, um, hold on then." The Doctor said, still distracted by the mystery of how Father Christmas' sleigh crashed through the side of the TARDIS. He moved back to the console and flicked a switch, holding a lever as the TARDIS started to move. It was humming gently again as it shivered its way back down to Earth. As it landed with a slight jolt he flicked a few switches and then walked to the doors, picking up his dark beige trench coat from the railing on the way, and with a perplexed look on his face stepped out into… heaven.

Or at least his version of it.

It was snowing, shining white proper snowflake snow. None of your fake 'there's a ship burning in the atmosphere' ash-snow rubbish but real honest snow. His ears seemed to prick up somewhat like a small puppies as in the distance he heard Carollers and he smiled. The infectious grin that no one could possibly resist… nobody except for one person.

"Excuse me, but firstly you crashed into me. Secondly you've landed me in daylight. I mean. Daylight of all the… And now you're grinning like a buffoon." Of course the one person not affected by his grin was the jolliest man on Earth, of all time. "Is there any chance of you giving me a hand this side of Christmas morning? That's assuming we haven't missed it of course." The Doctor's grin slid away and he hurried back, feeling like he'd just been scolded by his own father. He helped Father Christmas down and then scrambled up to the side of the sleigh to release the reindeer from their harnesses.

"Well, you don't look like the Grinch."

"Excuse me?" The Doctor asked, glancing at him as he undid the second to last buckle.

"The Grinch who stole Christmas, you don't look like him, but you seem to be doing your best to accomplish it." The Doctor simply looked amused and let the last reindeer free. He jumped down and walked to what most would consider to be the back of the TARDIS and opened the door concealed there.

"Livestock entrance." He said by way of explanation, before giving the lead reindeer directions "Just go straight on and then left at the hayrick." As the reindeer filed past him he greeted each one like an old friend, patting them on the shoulder. Blitzen brought up the rear and he shut the door behind them. He turned to Father Christmas. "Firstly, I'm afraid some of them are a little lame, so they can't continue tonight. And you're looking worse for wear, which I guess leaves me in charge of this Christmas." He frowned a little then grinned. "Saving Christmas, sounds like fun."

"That's beside the point." Father Christmas said. "We may already have missed Christmas."

"Oh, well, the TARDIS is a time machine so that's easily fixed, but I think I'll go check where we are. Make yourself comfortable. Won't be long." He strolled off humming 'Oh Christmas Tree' leaving dear old Saint Nick flummoxed.


	3. A Page Out of Dickens

**Authors Note: Happy 3rd of December - well technically it's the 4th in the UK, sorry bout that. This chapter's a little short, but next one is better I promise! Enjoy and I'll put the next one up on the 5th Cx**

**A Page out of Dickens**

The Doctor soon discovered that he had rather conveniently landed the TARDIS down a back alley. He did always find it a little odd that even when he didn't know when he was, or where, he always managed to park in an alleyway.

"Oh Christmas Tree, oh Christmas Tree, how lovely are your…" he stopped short as he emerged in a Christmas scene straight off a Christmas card. There were Victorian street vendors up and down the sides of the street, ladies in thick dresses with red capes and fur muffs were browsing the goods, accompanied by their smartly dressed husbands, chatting to each other, listening to the carollers. Rosy cheeked children were running around the stalls having a snowball fight. He tried calling one of the boys over.

"You, boy, what day is it?" but he was disheartened that no one answered. "Does no one read Dickens these days?" he chuckled, realising his mistake, it was probably too early for that. Suddenly a little girl slipped over at his feet.

"Oh dear." He said kindly bending down. "That was a nasty fall. Do you need a hand getting up?" the girl nodded and he lifted her up by her armpits and stood her up. "There, that better?" she nodded again and he chuckled. "Now, can you do me a favour? Can you tell me what day it is?" she stared at him bewildered and for a second he thought she didn't know.

"It's Christmas Eve, sir." She replied, and he realised her bewilderment was at the fact that he didn't know it was nearly Christmas.

"And, um what year is it?"

"Year of our Lord 1837, sir."

"Really? I suppose you've had lots of coronation parties then haven't you?" she nodded enthusiastically.

"Mummy took me to see the queen." She said shyly.

"Really? What did you think of our Victoria?"

"She's very pretty. And very slim. Mummy says she should have lots of children."

"Does she? Well you tell your mummy to put a bet on that then." He smiled at her and produced a candy cane. "Now, all better?"

"Yes sir."

"Good girl, run along to your mummy then, and don't forget to be good." He gave her the candy cane and stood up ruffling her hair.

"Yes sir, thank you sir." She said, bobbing a quick curtsey and running off to find her mummy to show her the sweetie. The Doctor watched her for a moment and then walked off whistling, dropping a coin in the carollers hat as he passed them.


	4. Mince Pies and Sherry

**Authors Note - Oops, sorry this should've been up on the 5th... sorry bout that, didn't get a chance til now, busy time of year both at uni and in general. Here's chapter 3, as usual rien nada niente belongs to me, all property of the fourth great and bountiful... British Broadcasting Corporation. Enjoy C x**

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**Mince pies and Sherry**

The Doctor was munching on a mince pie as he walked to the TARDIS, thinking how much he loved Christmas, and that he probably should have changed out of his red and white converse trainers.

"I hate wet feet!" he exclaimed as he neared the police box.

"Really? I always quite liked them. Do you think you could maybe let me into this contraption?" Father Christmas sounded a bit peeved, as you would if you'd been left standing in the cold whilst waiting for someone to return.

"It's locked? I thought I left it open." He snapped his fingers and in his mind heard the echo of female voices _now you're just showing off_ Father Christmas was too busy looking at the doors opening to see the pain flit across his face. "Welcome to the TARDIS. Would you like anything? Tea, coffee, sherry?" he looked at Father Christmas enquiringly, perhaps a little slyly.

"A sherry to warm me through would be nice. And maybe a mince pie?"

"Of course." He disappeared into the depths of the TARDIS and returned with a pitcher of steaming mulled wine, a plate of mince pies with a bowl of brandy butter and two sherry glasses. He set them down on the steps near the TARDIS console and fiddled with a couple of switches.

"Are you taking me to the next stop?" Father Christmas asked, leaning over to pick up a mince pie. The Doctor looked round a little puzzled.

"What? Oh yes, all in good time my dear sir. Just need to close up that hole," he gestured towards the roof where the Sleigh still sat suspended. He fiddled a switch and the sleigh disappeared, the roof closing seamlessly. "There, that's better, no draft now. I'll just pop out and bring the sleigh in, think I'll need to hook it up to the old girl, so that she can work out how to do what you do. Back in a mo." He grinned a little madly and opened the door with its familiar creak. He stepped outside to find a couple of children playing in the sleigh.

"It's the man who gave me the candy cane." The curly haired girl said.

"Ah, yes, you again, hello. What are you two playing?"

"We're playing Santa's Sleigh. I'm Father Christmas, and I'm deciding who's naughty and who's nice, _he's_ naughty." She said, nodding towards her brother.

"Ah ha. That's sweet. I'm very sorry, but I need to take the sleigh. Santa's business." He tapped the side of his nose secretively, winking at them with a grin. "Now, how bout you two have another candy cane and run along to find your mother?" the little girl glanced at her brother and nodded sticking out her hand. "Good girl. Behave for your mother." She nodded again and ran off. Watching her he had the funniest feeling that that wouldn't be the last time he would be seeing her. Shaking his head to loose that feeling for the moment, he took hold of the red wooden sleigh in front of him and tried to walk off. With a whomp he landed hard on his scrawny behind when it didn't move. He scrambled to his feet, checking around that no one saw him and glared at the sleigh. "I suppose you think that's funny." He muttered at it, temporarily forgetting that this wasn't his TARDIS and that it probably wasn't sentient. "Well, I'm not amused, come on, lets get you moving." He wrapped the harnesses around his arm and dragged it to the TARDIS door. "Come on." He muttered, floundering slightly in the pile of snow in front of the door. He snapped his fingers and the doors swung open. "A little wider might be helpful." He spoke to the TARDIS and grinned when she obliged him. He dragged the red and white sleigh inside and up the iron ramp, parking it in a gap near the console. "There we are, nice and simple, just need a couple of leads to attach it… oh." He stopped as he spotted Father Christmas' hand on the floor. "Saint Nick?" he called, jumping around the side of the console. Father Christmas was slumped down on the floor in front of the chair the Doctor had left him in. A sherry glass lay a couple of inches from his hand and he picked it up and sniffed. "Oh, that's not good. Pure Pooshian green Sherry, must have had some left over in the bottle the Pooshians gave me for finding their lost moon. Drat, it's a fantastic drink, but of course it's a heavy sedative for humans. Well looks like it's just you and me then dear." He spoke to the TARDIS. "Pity, bit of company wouldn't have gone amiss. Oh well, allons y." he returned to the sleigh and carefully hooked it up to the TARDIS.


	5. Doctor Claus

**Authors note - Chapter Four present and correct, very short I'm sorry, bit of a gap filler before I get to the next one... plus I had to put the Doctor in the clothes, and then I needed to visit the wardrobe, and then the costumes happened... None of its mine as usual, all the BBC's. Enjoy, eat with mince pies and brandy butter C x**

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**Doctor Claus**

Well, I suppose I should try to look like Father Christmas, the Doctor thought as he lifted his almost companion to take him to one of the bedrooms somewhere deep in the TARDIS. Having found a suitably Christmassy one, he laid the larger man on the bed, removed the big black boots and covered him over with a quilt. He clicked the door shut behind him and headed to the TARDIS' wardrobe. He wandered around the large hall for a while before exclaiming:

"This is hopeless. Have I got any Christmas party outfits in here?" the TARDIS rumbled and obliged him, sending a rack of party outfits hurtling his way. "Thank you." He called, before starting to hum Christmas Carols as he sorted through them all, finding Rose's Mrs Claus outfit, and Jack's reindeer outfit and laughed at the memory of that Christmas in the TARDIS. Before they'd met the Bad Wolf, before everything had changed. He carried on looking through the outfits until he found a Santa outfit that he had worn oh, two, three years ago. Or was that two or three hundred years ago? He slipped into it quickly, putting the beard in place and choosing to forgo the large cushion for a belly. He liked being a skinny paper cut as Donna had always so _lovingly _put it. Looking at himself in the mirror he tried out an experimental 'Hohoho' but thought it sounded more like Death in _The Hogfather_ than Father Christmas himself.

As he made his way back to the TARDIS console room he continued trying to get it right, crying it out so often that the inside of the TARDIS was echoing with merry and some not so merry "Ho ho ho's" and "Merry Christmas'". He ate another mince pie and sat down whilst trying to work out _exactly _what he should do next.

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**AN - apologies for the mental images, they come as standard hopefully they make you giggle! C x**


	6. TARDIS gives the Doctor an Xmas Pressy

**Authors Note: 9th of December... this one is on time! As usual don't own Doctor Who or any affiliates, and not making any money from these stories. Short one again today, sorry it's just the way it turned out. Enjoy C x **

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**The TARDIS gives the Doctor a Christmas Present **

He was still nibbling on a mince pie, probably his fifth, when the TARDIS warbled and shuddered. "What are you doing?" he asked it through a mouthful of pie, standing up as it landed with a bang.

"Doctor?" he heard a familiar American voice call out. "Did you decide to take me up on my offer after all?"

"Jack?" the Doctor answered confused, hurrying towards the door as it swung open and Captain Jack walked in, a little dishevelled. "Jack!" he yelled crushing him into a bear hug.

"Woah Doc, not whilst the missus can see." Jack gestured through the open door where the Doctor could see Ianto standing awkwardly at the oven. "Why do you sound surprised to see me? And what is _that_ doing in here?" he asked gesturing to the sleigh.

"Um, well, I kind of had an accident and now I've rendered Father Christmas unconscious so I am Doctor Claus for 1837. I was bemoaning the fact that I was alone, the TARDIS appears to believe that you are the best choice as a companion for this trip."

"1837? Not been there…" He turned to look at his lover, smiling sweetly "Iantoooo?"

"You can go, just don't forget that I'm cooking your Christmas dinner. Don't eat too many mince pies." Ianto paused as he noticed the crumbs on the Doctor's suit. "That goes for you too sir.  
There is enough for you to join us, if you'd like."

"Thank you Ianto, I'd be honoured." Jack ran back out of the TARDIS and hugged Ianto, kissing him deeply and quickly.

"Back soon, don't do anything I wouldn't do." As Jack walked back into the TARDIS and closed the door Ianto could be heard calling.

"Yeah, like that rules out a lot."

The Doctor laughed as he flicked a switch to return to the year they needed to be in. The TARDIS whorped and then came to a stop. Jack poked his head out of the door.

"Aww, snow! I haven't seen snow in… I don't know how long. And I can't taste estrogen in it." He frowned and glanced at the Doctor. "You don't think that means I'll get pregnant do you?" The Doctor laughed.

"I hope not Jack. Come and help me make this work." The two men bent down over Father Christmas' sleigh trying to get it to upload the right information to the TARDIS.


	7. Operation Christmas Stocking

**Authors Note: Another short chapter I'm afraid, but the next few are much longer so I'm sure you'll forgive me. As usual I don't own the TARDIS or any of her occupants, they all belong to the BBC, but it's always fun to take it out for a little spin :) hope you enjoy and eat as many mince pies as the Doctor. C x**

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**Operation Christmas Stocking **

"Right then, I think that should do it." the Doctor bounced up, and flicked a switch. "With a bit of luck, the TARDIS will know where we've already been, and what presents we need to put out."

"Hey Doc, two questions, first do you want me to pop on an elf suit? I'm fairly certain there'll be one in the wardrobe."

"No Jack, I don't think you need to do that." He said, smiling at the thought of Jack in green tights.

"Alright, second question. Are you planning on going down the chimneys? Or just landing in the children's bedrooms? Because a TARDIS dematerialising in a bedroom could be a bit scary. On the other hand, I can't quite imagine you going down a chimney." He chuckled to himself.

"Oh." The Doctor looked slightly crestfallen, "I hadn't thought of that. I don't relish the idea of going down a chimney, but I suppose we should try to keep this as traditional as possible." He looked at the TARDIS console and tweaked something. "There we go, stabilizers sorted, should be able to land safely on a roof without slipping off it. Here we go then." He pushed the handle down and Jack listened to the sound of the TARDIS as she came to life, and started on her way to the first stop, as told to her by the sleigh plugged into the console. They landed with a slight thud, and Jack opened the door to check where they were.

"Moons out, looks pretty good out there." He stopped, "Oooh," his attention was distracted by the TARDIS printed something… "It's telling you where we are, and what you need to get out of the sleigh." He handed the slip to the Doctor. "Looks like Operation Christmas Stocking is a go."


	8. Hoho ho No that's not quite right

**Authors Note: wooo only 11 more days to Christmas... so here is chapter number seven. Hope you enjoy, I apologise for the images of Jack in an elf suit if any one was disturbed last chapter, here's a mince pie with brandy butter and cream to console you. All the usual, I own not a sliver... sorry its a short one but this time when I say the next one is big I mean it!!! :D enjoy and merry 11th day of December C x**

**Ho, Hoho… no that's not right, is it? (13****th**** Dec)**

The Doctor guffawed.

"Operation Christmas what?" he gasped staring at Jack incredulously.

"Operation Christmas Stocking." Jack drawled again.

"Oh, Jack, you really have been in Torchwood and the military too long you know."

"And who's fault is that?" he snapped back, then retorting "I'd say from that reaction, _you've _been spending too much time with Donna Noble." The Doctor sighed at the thought of Donna, and because of Jack's reaction, whilst the TARDIS grumbled that it was past time to be getting on. He took the paper from Jack's hand and read it.

"Well, we're in London, have a little boy and a little girl. I need the blue train, the red dressed doll two nectarines and two handkerchiefs." Jack nodded and got them out of the sleigh to put in the black sack. He handed it to the Doctor, and grinned. The Doctor grinned back, "so operation Christmas Stocking was it?" he asked, trying to wipe out what had just passed. "Better get going." The Doctor walked out whistling a Christmas Carol. Jack shook his head and helped himself to some sherry.

"Oh." He murmured looking at the bottle, "51st Century Pooshian Green, very nice Doctor, very nice indeed." He stood there drinking it quietly waiting for the Doctor. There was a yelp outside and the Doctor reappeared, covered head to toe in soot.

"I think there's something they usually leave out of Christmassy films where Santa goes down the chimney." He said before coughing. "Right, next house." As the TARDIS started to move, he leaned out of the door. "On Dasher and Dancer… Ho hoho. Nope, sorry, that wasn't quite it." He scratched his head as he shut the door and lots of soot flew out. "I'm really going to need a shower after this." He moaned.

"Hey don't worry Doc, you've got all the time in the world before you come and have dinner with me and Ianto." Jack laughed at him, "I may just go get the vacuum cleaner, I don't think she likes being covered in soot." He walked off chuckling as the Doctor ran around winding things up to get her moving a bit faster. Jack reappeared with the TARDIS' robotic vacuum cleaner just as the TARDIS landed again. The Doctor was humming to himself as he placed the next presents in his sack. And then with a grin he disappeared out of the door and Jack set the vacuum cleaner to work. He sat back in the chair previously used by Father Christmas and played around with the display settings of the TARDIS. He tweaked the Desktop settings a bit and then grinned as he hit apply.

The Doctor reentered with a merry 'Hooohohooo' followed by a curse of 'tarnation that's still not it' to find the TARDIS' round silver vacuum cleaner zipping around on her own sucking up all the bits of soot he dropped, Jack singing Christmas carols with Frank Sinatra, which was odd because he didn't remember uploading that hologram, and a TARDIS completely Christmas decorated, with a roaring fire on one side and a tree twinkling on the other. As he walked towards the console, the vacuum cleaner approached him, and began hovering around him, sensing that he was going to make a mess.

"Now that's more like it." he said as he wound the power connection to the sleigh up again.


	9. Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, aged 18

**Author's Note: As promised a long chapter. Hope you enjoy it, it made me giggle to write it. I should also apologise, as this is actually xjuicylucyx's Christmas story she doesn't want to read it before I post it, so if there's any mistakes, that's why! The usual disclaimer, I don't own Doctor Who, the Doctor, The TARDIS or the legendary Captain Jack Harkness, they belong to the BBC. I also don't own Queen Victoria, she belongs to… well history, and Britain. Enjoy C x**

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**Her Royal Majesty, Queen Victoria, aged 18 **

The TARDIS landed with a jolt and Jack paused the hologram of Frank as she started to slide off a particularly steep roof. He popped his head out and came back in. "At a rough guess, that piece of paper has a list of Royalty on it." the Doctor looked at it, bemused.

"How did you know that?" he asked, Jack just shrugged and started to say that they'd landed on Buckingham Palace, but the Doctor groaned and interrupted him "This is for 'Royal Majesty, Queen Victoria, aged 18 and 7 months.' Oh dear… oh dear…" he shook his head.

"What? What does her Imperial Majesty want for Christmas?"

"It's not that… she doesn't meet me for 32 years. And she didn't recognise me. You're going to have to go. I can't change the timelines."

"What???"

"Yes Jack that is a very good imitation of me. Now, there isn't a list, apparently the Queen gets a personal visit. Go get changed."

"But, but…"

"NOW Jack." Jack stomped off muttering to himself under his breath whilst the Doctor made up a traditional stocking with oranges and pears and a little wooden top for the Queen.

When Jack returned, the Doctor burst out laughing. He had opted for the cushion under his suit, accentuating his muffin top even more than the braces usually did.

"I didn't laugh at you." Jack huffed at him. The Doctor stopped and handing him the stocking apologised meekly.

"Now, I think that this is the chimney in Buckingham Palace that leads directly into her bedroom, you go down and I'll stand up here, then when she tells you what she wants yell up to me and I'll get it. Don't flirt with her. I know that may be hard for you but don't flirt with her." Jack nodded grinning at the Doctor.

"I always wanted to meet her Majesty." He disappeared out the door and the Doctor followed in time to see him jumping down the chimney. There was silence for a while and then a lot of screaming. The Doctor cursed, images of Jack jumping into bed with the most fertile British female monarch in history flashing through his head. The image of Jack's son being the next king of England terrified him the most. He just stopped himself from jumping down after Jack, and leaned over to call down to him instead.

"Jack? What's going on down there? Stop it, whatever it is."

"She really likes the spinning top Doc, don't worry. What, you thought I'd jump into bed with her?"

"Well I do know you." He replied. "Ask her what she would like for Christmas."

In the room below Jack turned back to her Majesty, who was seated regally in her bed, a few loose hairs escaping her lacy nightcap giggling as she watched the red and white spinning top on the floor next to her bed.

"We are very much amused by this." She giggled to Jack as he sat down in a chair near the chimney in full, soot covered, Santa costume.

"Now, your Majesty… what would you like for Christmas?" he asked solemnly.

"Oooh, I hadn't thought… I'd quite like a husband."

"I'll see what I can do." He leaned towards the chimney and yelled up to the Doctor. "She'd like a husband."

"She can't have one of those for three years." The Doctor's voice floated down the chimney.

"I'm afraid you can't have one of those for…" he was interrupted by the Doctors frantic wail.

"No Jack don't say that… Spoilers. Ask her if she'd like a Corgi, I can do one of those."

"would you like a Corgi in…" this time Jack interrupted himself and stood up to walk to the chimney. "That's the wrong bloody Queen!" he yelled.

"Oh, thought that present sounded familiar… that's what I gave Elizabeth the year we…" the Doctor coughed as he stopped himself finishing that sentence. "Ask her again."

"Terribly sorry your Majesty, but Father Christmas can't give you a husband… bit too grown up a toy for us really. Or a Corgi, because I doubt you know what that is. So I'm going to have to ask again, what would you like for Christmas."

"Who are you? I am sure you are not Father Christmas." She said, frowning at him. "You sound _foreign_."

"Oh, um, I spent the summer abroad your Majesty, picked it up whilst I was there."

"Well, who are you talking to?" she demanded. He grimaced.

"My elf, my Lady." She stared blankly at him. "You know, little green clad pointy eared folk? Help Father Christmas with making the presents." As she continued to star at him blankly he swallowed nervously and turned back to the chimney. "Huston, we have a problem… I think I just invented elves."

"WHAT!!" the Doctor exclaimed. He paused thinking about it, then shrugged, "Don't worry. Someone had to!" Jack nodded again and turned back to Queen Victoria.

"My lady, your Majesty, what would you like for Christmas?"

"A diamond tiara." She said simply, partially because she wanted a new one after some oafish footman had sat on her favourite one and partially because she wanted rid of the two odd men talking between a chimney.

"Done!" yelled the Doctor and a package landed in Jack's hand. He knelt and offered it too her. "Oh, give her this too. She's going to be attacked several times in her life, and she survives each and every one. Tell her to wear this, but to keep it a secret." A second present landed at Jacks feet and he gave her both the tiara and the second gift, which was a Kevlar bullet-proof vest disguised as an undergarment.

"Merry Christmas your majesty." He said, bowing. "It's been a pleasure… I only wish we had more time to get to know each other better."

"Jack!!" the Doctor yelled. "Stop flirting." Jack turned to the chimney muttering

"How does he do that? Can't say anything, jeez." He bowed again "Ma'am" just before he got pulled up the chimney. Queen Victoria jumped out of bed and peered out of the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the sleigh, but she could see nothing and after the customary 'Ho ho ho' (beautifully delivered by Captain Jack) all she heard was an odd whirring noise.


	10. Third Times a Charm

**Authors Note: this one is two days late, I apologise and hope this offering of two chapters makes up for it, Accident in Paris is the second one. I own none of this, all the wonderful BBC's. Enjoy C x**

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**Third Times a Charm**

The Doctor straightened up as he stepped out of the fireplace, banging his head slightly on the mantelpiece. The resulting bang and clattering of candlesticks falling over was loud enough to make the little girl on the settle wake up and rub her eyes before staring at him incredulously.

"Ah, hello." He said, having a flashback to the last time a little girl had woken up when he had entered her room by mistake. That had had interesting consequences. He was brought back to the present by the little girl as she stood up, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders. She peered at him in the light of the fire which had somehow not burned him when he landed in it.

"You're not Father Christmas." She said suddenly.

"Am I not?" he asked, a grin creeping across his face.

"No, you're not, you're that man who gave me the candy cane earlier." A spark of recognition formed in his mind as he looked at the blonde curls of the little girl in front of him. She walked around him slowly. "What I don't understand is what you are doing here, you can't be Father Christmas, but you look too nice to be a _crook_." She said the word crook in the manner of one who has heard her parents saying it and is using it to sound more grown up.

"I'm neither. I'm just filling in for Father Christmas whilst he has a holiday."

"But, Father Christmas has a holiday for the rest of the year… he can't possibly have a holiday on Christmas Eve. It's not allowed."

"Oh?" the Doctor bent down to look her in the eye. There was a depth of intelligence behind her eyes and he thought hard for a second. "Who says?"

"Everyone knows that Father Christmas only works one night of the year." She said scathingly, "Therefore he can't have a holiday on the one day he works, it's not economically sound."

"Is your Daddy a banker by any chance?" the Doctor asked her, wondering how to get her to go back to sleep.

"Yes, and he says that only people who have done decent work can have a proper Christmas holiday, and not have to work."

"Hmmm," he decided that the little girl was taking the idea a little too seriously, and disapproved of the mildly elitist attitude. He glanced around. "How about we take a little trip? Would you like to meet Father Christmas' reindeer?" She nodded, "Well, lets just pop this into your stocking, no peeking mind, and away we go." He took her hand and led her to the fireplace. As they stood still there for a second she glanced up at him.

"So what are we doing?" she sounded sceptical. Before he had a chance to reply they were heading up the chimney. At the other end she clung tightly to his hand and stared at the TARDIS in front of her.

"What's that? Where's Father Christmas' sleigh? I thought you said you were filling in for him."

"I am." The Doctor replied sounding a little wounded, but then he got onto the subject of his TARDIS and got all giggly and excited in that way he always does when new people see it for the first time. "This is my ship, she's called a TARDIS, that stands for… actually never mind what it stands for, it would only confuse you. Father Christmas' sleigh is inside, because I haven't taken my sleigh driving test yet so Father Christmas wouldn't let me drive it." he put his hand to his mouth and whispered "he was afraid I would crash it. Do you want to come in?"

"It's so small, how does the sleigh fit in there? When I saw them together earlier, the sleigh was much bigger it would never fit in there! And how does that move? Where do the reindeer go?"

"Well, the reindeer are inside having a little break… and it all fits and moves because my ship is a magic ship."

"Even more magic than Father Christmas'?" she asked, wide eyed. The Doctor chuckled at the girl who kept switching from wide eyed little girl to smart girl who seemed to know more than her years would allow.

"Definitely more magic than Father Christmas' sleigh." He replied, ruffling her blond curls before pushing open the door. "Welcome onboard the TARDIS!"

"_I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know_."

The Doctor opened the door to the sound of Jack and Bing Crosby crooning together as they gathered around the fireplace and piano on the right hand side of the Console Room.

"Hmmm, don't remember putting that in the sound system either." He said raising an eyebrow as Jack walked towards them. "Always was my favourite though. And that was much better than the abominable Little Drummer Boy with David Bowie."

"Thank you." Jack replied, bowing slightly before continuing "I nabbed Ianto's ipod as I left, uploaded all the Christmas music for you. The TARDIS did it's magical hologram thing for it." he paused as the little girl shyly popped her head around the side of the Doctor. "Now who is this… Doc you know you're not supposed to steal the children right?"

"I'm not the childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang you know." The Doctor frowned and glanced down at her. "What is your name, I think I forgot to ask."

"I'm Eliza Banks."

"Well, Eliza Banks, I'm Captain Jack Harkness."

"I brought her here to introduce her to Father Christmas." The Doctor looked at Jack.

"Alright, you have work to do, you go to the next house. Eliza, would you like to accompany me to the living quarters, and then we'll go feed Comet a carrot or two." Jack offered Eliza his hand and the Doctor watched them wander off out of the back door, before he started to get ready for the next stop. He hummed as the TARDIS started to move.


	11. An Accident in Paris

**Authors Note: this is the second of the two chapters I'm posting tonight, and is the one that I should be posting today. Sorry about the mess up! Hope you enjoy this one, I am aware that the dates are off - I'll explain at the bottom. The usual disclaimer, it all belongs to the BBC, and, in this case, Victor Hugo. Almost done on this one now, and I have finished writing it so should all be up by Christmas. Read, enjoy, eat mince pies and christmas pudding C x**

**An Accident in Paris**

When he opened the door, the Doctor was surprised to find they had landed in Paris. He looked out at the semi familiar vista and grinned. Paris in the winter was his favourite time. He knew the movies said that Paris in the springtime was the best time of all, but there was something a bit more mystical about the city under ice, frost and snow. It was probably all to do with his love of snow he knew, but the prospect of being in Paris under snow in the moonlight made playing at Father Christmas that little bit more exciting. He stepped out of the TARDIS to find himself slipping down the side of the Notre Dame. As he did so he realised that the side he was stepping out onto was non-existent, he barely had time to realise what had happened before he started to fall down the side of the bell tower. He reached out with his sonic screwdriver and managed just to grab a horn on a gargoyle. He groaned as his entire weight landed on his shoulder and started to try to swing back up. After what felt like an hour to him, but in reality was probably only 10 minutes he gave up and started to yell for Jack, hoping that the Captain had returned to the Console room.

"Jack! For God's sake Jack, I'm hanging off the side of the Notre Dame. Jack! Jack! Captain Jack bloody Harkness!" After a while he gave up and fell silent, trying to work out why the TARDIS had brought him here.

"Can I help you?" a voice asked. He looked around trying to find where the voice had come from.

"What?"

"I said can I help you, it's just you've been yelling quite loud and my ears are quite sore now. Also, you are hanging off my ear."

"You're the Gargoyle?"

"Yes. Who did you think it was?"

"I wasn't really sure. Yes, a little help would be appreciated."

"Jolly good, watch your arm." The Doctor felt something hard and cold grip his hand, and then he was asked to let go of the Gargoyles ear. The Gargoyle swung himself down into the Belfry quickly and easily, and the Doctor felt his feet being set down on the floor. "Now, you're dressed like Father Christmas but you don't look much like him to me."

"No, no, I'm the Doctor." He replied looking around the room curiously. "Is there just the one of you then?"

"Yes, there is only me. Sorry, why were you up here, and why are you dressed like that." The Doctor nodded slowly, scratching his head.

"Could ask you the same question." He laughed. "Disney almost got it right."

"Excuse me?" the Gargoyle looked at him closely, his stone eyes blinking slowly. "Are you alright? Would you like to sit down? Cup of tea?" he pointed towards a chair in the corner and the Doctor nodded and sat down in it slowly.

"I'm the Doctor, I'm a, well I'm a Timelord, travel through time and space. I er, well I accidentally crashed into Father Christmas' sleigh, and then I sort of rendered him unconscious, and well here I am. I suppose I'm here to give you your stocking?"

"Well, no actually. You're here to give the baby a drink."

"The baby?" the Doctor paused, his mind a whirl. "The Hunchback? The Hunchback of Notre Dame? It's not a myth?"

"All myth is based in fact." The Gargoyle's voice grated. "And I suppose yes, he is the Hunchback of Notre Dame, as I am the Gargoyle. He was abandoned on the steps a few months ago. His pathetic wailing awoke me, and I could not bear to see the babe starve. I have taken him in, with the help of a young priest. He sleeps in the chamber below." The Doctor stood and went down the steps slowly. In an old wooden cot a small child, his head forced forward by the lump on the back of his shoulders, slept peacefully. The Doctor placed a hand on his forehead gently.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He whispered aware of the pain the child would eventually suffer. He put the presents in the small stocking hanging on the side of the cot, and walked slowly back up the stairs. When he got there he looked at the Gargoyle. "You're not from this world, but you're looking after that child. That is enough for me, but there will come a time when you will not be able to continue living here, I can take you home when that time comes if you wish it." The Gargoyle nodded, slowly, and the Doctor noticed stone dust being emitted from the movement.

"I am not from this world no, but its atmosphere is killing me. By the time the child is full grown, and passed on, I shall truly be no more than the stone gargoyle you caught hold of. So it has been for my brothers and sisters. We were all once alive, and then we became stuck here, and now only I remain. Come Doctor, it is time you were on your way." He offered the Doctor his hand and taking him on his back climbed back to the roof where the TARDIS stood waiting. "Farewell, my friend, we shall not meet again." The Doctor nodded again, mute from the sadness he felt at hearing the acceptance in the Gargoyles voice. The Gargoyle swung himself over the balustrade again and the Doctor raised his hand in farewell before pushing the TARDIS door open slowly and re-entering.

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**A/N Hugo wrote _The Hunchback of Notre Dame _in 1831, which is eight years before this story is set, but his tale was set in 1482, hence the mix up with the dates, but after another couple of my ideas for Paris backfired, things not being built in the right years, this just popped into my head C x**


	12. Interlude, in which the Doctor reflects

**Authors Note: In case you hadn't already guessed, this story has somewhat lost the plot, if it ever had one, but as it is now Christmas Week, this one ties up any loose ends accidentally deposited so far and leads into the final two chapters. I don't own any of it of course it all belongs to the BBC. I think I need to just add a post-disclaimer to state that I also don't own any of the lyrics I have so far borrowed - they're all Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra's. Hope you enjoy it, C x**

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Interlude, in which the Doctor reflects.

He sat back in his chair by the Console and reflected on his evening. It had been a very long night, after his encounter with the Gargoyle on Notre Dame he'd taken Eliza back to her home, where he had no doubt her dreams had been filled with images of Jack, reindeer and a snoring Father Christmas. Once she was safely home, none the wiser about her quick trip to Paris, he had continued on Father Christmas' journey, returning to France and Paris, with the unshakable feeling that the Gargoyle was watching him as he moved back and forth across the city.

Luck had been with him, and despite visiting however many billion residences there are in the world, minus those in Britain where it would appear Father Christmas had begun no one else had been awake. The starting in Britain amused him, but he decided it is on Greenwich Mean Time, and Greenwich is British so it did, he supposed, make sense. And rather funny considering all the American Christmas movies where Father Christmas rarely made it out of the USA, and then only because he was going home to the North Pole. Jack looked up at him when he laughed out loud.

"What's up Doc?"

"Nothing really." He replied, nonchalantly. "I mean, in one night, day, who can really tell in here? In one adventure, I've met Father Christmas, the Gargoyle from Notre Dame, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, countless royalty, Napoleon Bonaparte…"

"I met Queen Victoria." Jack intervened.

"Exactly, and Napoleon recognised me, which I guess means that at some point in the future I'll be visiting him again… not sure I want to do that, he didn't strike me as being someone I want to meet twice."

"He had a bit of short man syndrome." Jack added helpfully, as he pulled the cables connecting the TARDIS to the sleigh out.

"Only a little bit." The Doctor laughed. "I still can't get over the fact that the Hunchback of Notre Dame is a true story."

"And that talking Gargoyles really exist."

"Oh, that's not so huge… there were the Pyroviles in Pompeii, these are possibly just a relative. Keep an eye out for them coming through the rift though. Your atmosphere kills them, might want to send them straight back where they came from."

"The rift doesn't exactly work that way, Doc." Jack replied quietly.

"Oh, well, maybe that'll get sorted at some point then." The Doctor replied jovially.

"Oh. My. God." Jack exclaimed, sitting up hurriedly.

"What?" the Doctor asked warily, not sure if he wanted the answer.

"Presents. I forgot to do presents."

"Oh that's fine, don't worry about that. We've got all the time in the world. And I know where we're going next anyway."

"Where?"

"We're going to meet some old friends of mine. Bing and Frank."

"What?!" Jack exclaimed.

"Yes Jack, I know you can imitate me." The Doctor replied pleasantly, laughing, "Now. Allons y."


	13. Christmas Present Shopping

**Author's Note: I have a feeling that you'll find this a little contrived, but I hope you like it none**** the less. As usual I don't own Doctor Who, the Doctor or Captain Jack I'm just borrowing them for Christmas from the BBC, and I don't own or confess to know Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra, they are their own persons and belong to History and a little to the tradition of Christmas in the 21st Century. Enjoy C x**

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Present Shopping

The TARDIS landed with a slight thud, and the Doctor flung open the door, to a hot summers afternoon in Los Angeles 1954.

"Welcome to the set of White Christmas. We need to find Bing Crosby." He set off towards the biggest building he could see and slipped inside, Jack following fast behind him. They found themselves once again in the midst of a Christmas wonderland, and edged around the set to find the corridor to the dressing rooms. The Doctor walked slowly down the magnolia painted corridor, passing by the doors with their gold stars until he found the one he wanted.

"Here we go." He said, grinning as he pointed at the star on it." 'Bing Crosby.' Jack's smile widened.

"What better present than some life entertainment for Christmas dinner." He muttered. "This is close to kidnapping, you know." The Doctor shrugged.

"Bing and I go way back, he'll do it as a favour. And the same with Frank." He knocked. No one answered and he opened the door. "No ones home, must be lunch time. Might as well get comfy. Ooh pear drops!" he exclaimed as he flopped into a chair. Jack followed suit, taking the seat by the dressing table.

It was around 10 minutes later when Bing returned with, as luck would have it, Frank Sinatra. The Doctor stood up as the door opened and he smiled warmly at the two men.

"Frank, Bing, nice to see you again." He held his hand out to them but they hung back slightly looking wary.

"I thought he was dead." Frank leaned over to Bing.

"Me too. Now what can he be doing here now? And with a new face." they walked up to him slowly, and then laughed as they shook his hand. "It's been too long Doctor, we really did think that you were dead." Bing added as he shook the Doctor's hand.

"For me? Oh, around about two and a half years, for you, I've no idea."

"As cryptic as ever, monsieur le Docteur." Bing replied.

"Well, you know how it is." The Doctor shrugged. "This is my good friend Captain Jack Harkness. We've come really because he forgot to get his partner a Christmas present. Ianto loves all your music so we were hoping that you would help us out." He paused, looking from one to the other.

"Bing, I think he's going to ask us to come do a concert for him."

"Yes, but where is he going to take us?" Bing replied.

"They're a regular couple of wise guys." Jack said in wonder.

"Where did you think I learned to cope with you?" The Doctor grinned at him. "Cardiff, 2008."

"We're still popular in the future? That's good to know." Frank grinned. "Come on, we'd better get going before we're missed."


	14. Christmas Dinner

**Author's Note: _And so the End is near_ There's only one bit left to go now, but here's my addition to Christmas this year. It's a little unpolished, so I may come back and change that a little. I own neither Doctor Who or the lyrics to Frank Sinatra's Christmas song. **

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Christmas Dinner.

The Doctor flew the TARDIS back to Cardiff, and this time landed her in the carpark of Ianto's flat block. As they walked out with Bing and Frank, Jack checked his watch.

"Should get there about five minutes after we left." He glanced around the car park and hoped that the Doctor wouldn't notice two very familiar cars in there. "Come on, lets go celebrate Christmas in style." He winked at Frank, whom, oddly enough, he had formed a good rapport with. He opened the main lobby door with the key he had found in a hand made Christmas cracker left on his bed a week ago. "His flat is on the top floor. And there's no lift."

"No lift? That's exercise." The corners of the Doctors mouth quirked.

"You should try these stairs with three baby pterodactyls." Jack grinned. At the questioning faces that he was then faced with he added "long story, maybe I'll explain over Christmas dinner." With a final grin before he started up the stairs he added again "maybe."

By the time they reached the top the jovial banter had drawn to a close and they paused outside Ianto's flat to catch their breath. Jack opened the door with a flourish and gestured for the Doctor to go ahead of him.

"Merry Christmas!!" a group of familiar faces was gathered around the Christmas tree waiting for them. The Doctor paused on the little step in front of Ianto's door with a gasp, and then with a grin stepped down into the lounge, only to be engulfed in a mass hug from Martha and Sarah Jane.

"What? What are you doing here? What about your families?" Martha laughed.

"I'm seeing them tomorrow or today if you fancy letting me do this day twice. But if I don't make it there until Boxing Day, they think I'm with Tom, but Tom is still in South Africa. Ianto gave me a call so I thought I'd turn up here instead."

"Luke is here somewhere. I think Ianto just sent him off to check the turkey, or get more firewood."

In the meantime Jack had introduced Ianto, Gwen and Rhys to Bing and Frank. Rhys was currently passed out on the floor from shock, with Gwen fussing over him, whilst Ianto dashed around to fix drinks for his two VIP guests, hastily informing the Doctor that he was no less important, but he would never get this chance again, to which the Doctor laughed. He stood back and watched as his friends, his family, started to settle down to open Christmas presents. He barely noticed as Martha came over to take his arm.

"Come and sit down, it's Christmas, and you've got presents!" she grinned at him as she pulled him over to a sofa. He grinned back, mouthing the word 'presents'. It was a long time since he'd had a present at Christmas and he followed after Martha quickly.

Ianto served a mammoth Christmas feast a little while after the present opening, at which the Doctor had been forced to wear the hand knitted Rudolph jumper that Gwen had given him, the bobble hat that Luke had handed him and the slippers that Jack and Ianto had given him. Opposite him Jack was wearing a similar jumper with a snowman on it, Ianto had a Santa one and Martha sported an elf. Sarah Jane and Luke had been profusely apologised to and promised ones with a snowflake and a present on it respectively. Rhys had rolled his eyes at them only to be presented with his own jumper, complete with a heart surrounded by snow. As the pudding was brought out by Jack, Bing and Frank began to sing White Christmas crooning slowly and softly, Ianto lit the brandy to pour over it and turned the lights down low. In the blue glow of the burning pudding the Doctor glanced around at his friends thinking life really didn't get much better than this.

"_Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose,_ _Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, And folks dressed up like eskimos ."_


	15. Epilogue

**Author's Note: Merry Christmas everyone who has persevered with this tale, especially JuicyLucy who has lovingly reviewed most of the chapters. Again I don't own any of it. Doctor Who and anything associated with the programme belong to the BBC, Father Christmas belongs to Christmas and children everywhere. Merry Christmas again, sorry for the cheesy ending but I had to, enjoy C x**

**PS Lyrics to the Christmas Song belong to Frank Sinatra again.**

**Epilogue**

It was late when the Doctor left the party, he stumbled down the stairs quietly and fumbled with the key in the lock. He sighed, not entirely sure why he was acting drunk, he was a Timelord, Earth liquor had no affect on him, the Christmas dinner had fallen into drunken antics soon after the pudding and the French digestif, after which he had decided that it might be wise to firstly take the special guests back to their own time zone, and secondly when he returned he acted a little tipsy to fit in with the crowd. As he opened the door to the TARDIS he paused to wave good night to Sarah Jane as she drove back to London with Luke and Martha.

Inside he found Father Christmas sitting in front of the fire, munching on mincepies.

"Ah, there you are. I trust you got the job done before you went to that party?"

"Of course. All the children in 1837 have been given their gifts."

"Good, now I get to start on 1838." Father Christmas smiled and stood up. "You know, I really didn't think you had it in you, but you really pulled it off. And filled the suit quite well. Better now than before." He said raising a eyebrow at the Doctor's apparel and slightly enlarged gut. "Too many mince pies my friend. You'll have to watch out for that." He stood up and smiled magnanimously as he patted his corpulent belly. "The missus has never let me forget that I was once as skinny as you. Talking of the missus, if you really have got it all done, I should be getting back. Could you give me a lift to the North Pole, 26th December 1837? It's just she'll have the Christmas dinner ready, and I hate to disappoint."

"Not a problem. I'll just flick a few switches here, turn this knob and push this lever and away we go."

The TARDIS landed on a snowy clearing and Father Christmas helped him pull the sleigh back out of the TARDIS, who was very obliging and stretched the door without being asked. The sleigh was much lighter now that all the presents were gone, but the Doctor thought he probably still would have struggled. The Sleigh he had decided was much like the TARDIS and very attached to her master – no one else could touch her without express permission. The Reindeer were summoned with a single whistle and trotted into the misty night alone, towing the sleigh behind them.

"Would you like some dinner?" Father Christmas asked, awkwardly.

"No, no, have to keep an eye on the figure, lots of running in this job, wouldn't do to get out of shape." Father Christmas nodded and began to walk off in the same direction as the reindeer. "I never asked." The Doctor called, "What exactly _are_ you? Human, alien, Timelord?" he added hopefully.

"I'm just human, with a few advantages." The reply drifted back. "Take care of yourself Doctor, there's darkness ahead I'll warrant." The Doctor nodded, scratched his head and went to close the back door of the TARDIS, wondering what dark times could be coming. As he walked back inside the TARDIS he heard a voice calling:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night."

He smiled and started to hum as he closed the door behind him. Father Christmas had left some Frank Sinatra playing and the Doctor left it on whilst he decided where to go next.

'_And so, I'm offering this simple phrase  
To kids from one to ninety-two  
Although its been said  
Many times, many ways  
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!  
Merry Christmas to.. You!'_

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End file.
